Apparently, there's been a lot of talk about feminism on a certain part of the Internet - and not good talk. It's the kind of talk that paints women in a very negative view. It's the kind of talk that implies that most women lie about being raped, that women are looking for drama by inventing the concept of a patriarchy, and that women unfairly expect men to shoulder the burden for putting an end to rape by expecting the government to put in place education for men, when what women should do is stop acting like victims, get over themselves, and learn how to protect themselves.
Not very pretty talk, is it?
Unfortunately, this talk is happening on the parts of the Internet that my brother frequents. My brother and I have always shared a strange connection - most people don't know how to get through to him, so frequently I end up in the position of acting as translator...between him and my parents, him and his best friend, him and the society...he tells me his political beliefs and more often than not we'll have a long conversation about them. It helps him to refine his ideas, because his ideas are generally overly simplistic at first. So when he started repeating soundbites from the kind of talk about feminism that he was hearing in this particular place of the Internet, it was pretty clear that it was time for a long talk.
The nice thing about my brother is that he's open, and he trusts me, and he really does respect women - which is why it was so surprising to hear him talk the way he was.
Most women do not lie about having been raped. Most people know this. Unfortunately, the stories that get passed around on this part of the Internet generally have more to do with a woman framing a man than anything else - therefore they're knowledge of rape is skewed. This was easy for my brother to understand. "The media likes strange things," he said. "So they tend to put out more stories about that. So there's something wrong with our media."
"There's something very wrong with our media...but that's always the case. You have to learn how to put what you hear in the media into context." It was an easy enough point to make.
The concept of a patriarchy was a little more complicated.
There both is and isn't a patriarchy in place. Technically, as a society, we've agreed to move away from the patriarchy. We - generally - agree that women are equal to men, should have the same rights, and should be afforded the same respect. But...it's imperfect. You can't simply eradicate one way of living and impose a new one and say the old one is finally gone. Racism still exists. Sexism still exists. Old Christian ideals still determine a vast majority of our moral code despite the fact that we technically have agreed, as a country, to keep religion private.
It happens like this: multiple centuries ago, certain ideals were set in place and accepted by the populace. People passed those ideals onto their children, who passed them onto their children, who passed them onto their children. It became part of the culture. Then, a couple of centuries ago, we started to realize that those ideals weren't necessarily...ideal. They were flawed. We agreed they should probably go, and we got rid of them. But, those ideals were still part of the culture...and there were still an awful lot of people who had grown up with those ideals and weren't ready to get rid of them. They passed those ideals onto their children, who passed them onto their children, who passed them onto their children. Every new generation had a choice: follow their parent's ideals, or break free and follow the new ideals. Are women the weaker sex, who must be protected and controlled by the patriarchy? We've fought hard to be viewed otherwise, but there are still people who - consciously or subconsciously - do believe that. I have a male friend who insists that it's chivalry. I have another male friend who admits that it's misogyny but that he can't be any different than he is.
The entire conversation with my brother had initially started when he'd repeated something he'd read online about why women shouldn't complain that men are holding them back. It argued that men built the streets women drive on and the cars they drive in; they built the houses they live in and the electrical lines they use to light their house and power their electronic devices; men put the sewer system in place. Men have done all the dirty, hard, disgusting jobs because women didn't want to - they didn't want to do the hard labor and they didn't want to take on something so gross. Men aren't stopping women from getting those jobs - women simply choose not to, so they can't sit there complaining.
My response was: "Those jobs weren't done by men because women are unwilling. Those jobs were done by men because of the patriarchy you don't believe exists. There is no rule that women can't do those jobs, but there's a cultural understanding that those jobs are too hard or too disgusting for women; women who would want to do them must be lesbians, feminists, or women who act too much like men. Think about the stereotype of the female construction worker. How is she portrayed in movies, books, comics, etc.?"
He frowned. "I guess," he said.
I didn't stop. I told him about a video that I'd seen earlier regarding women in the scientific community. It was about a woman who runs a Facebook page called, "I Fucking Love Science." She never hid her gender - it says her name is Elise Andrew right on the about page. However, a picture was posted of her and her audience - who had always assumed she was male - was incredibly surprised by this. The video that I had seen had her and Michio Kaku (my favorite physicist - I'm also a huge science nerd) as guests on a news channel discussing women in science, and how the number of women in science has risen in life sciences like psychology and biology, but remains very low in hard sciences like physics, engineering, and chemistry.
"Women aren't rare in these fields because we're simpering butterflies who can't be bothered to ruffle our wings a little," I said to my brother. "Women are rare in these fields because there's a cultural belief that these are MEN'S fields. It gets inserted into our heads when we're children through role play - girls are given dolls and toy cookware and boys are given Hot Wheels and construction equipment. Girls grow up not realizing that physics and construction work are options for them - it never crosses their minds because it's out of the ordinary. The entire post about men making the roadways is nothing but further evidence of this - men pave the roads, men lay the electrical lines, men build the houses. Women are too weak either physically or mentally for such hard labor. That's not true - there are plenty of female construction workers and they do just fine - but our culture doesn't view construction work as a job for both men and women."
Again, we're working on raising our children differently...today. Today, my nephew has superhero toys and sparkly Hello Kitty shoes, and his daycare can just learn to live with it. My niece has princess dresses and loves her toy cars. But even when my brother and I were children, he had Hot Wheels and construction toys and I had Barbies. That's what all the other children had. That's what the commercials geared for us.
But, even though we're constantly growing and changing and giving our children a more balanced view of gender roles, we still haven't gotten over that patriarchal view. Even science kits for kids today are geared for gender: Science Kits ... For Girls.
At this point, my brother agreed with me. Yes, he can see the patriarchy that feminists speak about. He understands that it exists. "It's a subconscious patriarchy," he said. "Not intentional...just sort of leftover."
"Exactly. We're working to get rid of it, but it really does exist."
And finally, the most complicated subject: who is responsible for putting an end to rape?
"Men know not to rape," my brother said. "We already have education. No man thinks rape is okay...except, you know, the crazy ones. Most men know better. Women need to learn how to protect themselves, though. It shouldn't just be on the men."
"True," I said. "You're absolutely right. Women should know how to protect themselves. But you're missing two very important pieces of information: 1) there are a lot of men who don't know not to rape, and 2) women are learning how to protect themselves, and our culture makes fun of them for it."
I brought up an article that I had read earlier that day, actually, written in regards to the high school boys who were convicted of raping a girl who was physically unable to consent. The article was written by a teacher who had brought in a poem that was about rape. The students understood its interpretation immediately and they all began to talk about the injustice done to the boys who would otherwise have had good sports scholarships. It took the teacher aback that the students took that side, and they had a conversation about rape, what it looks like, and what men shouldn't do. Here is the article (it's a short but interesting read): The Day I Taught How Not to Rape.
I also brought up another article that I'd read regarding rape jokes - it discusses the concept that rape jokes are harmless because nobody telling the joke really feels that rape is okay; it's just a harmless joke. It uses a study that shows that a good majority of rapists feel that all men are rapists; others are just better at keeping it quiet than they are. The article states that, because of this, when a man who would never rape a woman tells a rape joke - he is reaffirming for any men who might overhear the joke that rape is okay and is accepted by the male population.
The article explains it better than I can: Feminists Don't Think Men Are Rapists. Rapists Do.
And finally, and this is the last point I'm going to make in this blog, women are learning to protect themselves. There is a huge movement to teach women self-defense, but the women who take these classes are ridiculed in popular culture. They are viewed as male-hating women who view all men as rapists and attackers. They are portrayed as women who will mistake any man approaching them as an attacker. Why would woman want to take self-defense classes when they're viewed that way in popular culture?
"That's wrong," my brother said. "I know what you're talking about, but yeah, that's wrong. We need to stop doing that."
"We do. And, we need to push for more anti-rape education for men. The movement for equality is not over yet. We need to keep moving forward, and we can't move forward if a large group of people deny that there's more work to be done."
Since we had that conversation, my brother hasn't made any disparaging remarks about women. When he repeats what the other posters online say, he follows it up with why he thinks they're wrong. He writes responses countering their arguments and then reads them to me. If only it were so easy to convince other people...
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